Domination and submission is a behavior and a mindset that builds a certain dynamic in a relationship between partners. What many fail to understand is the possibility of not being sexual at all though usually the partners seek sexual pleasure through the practice. D/s is one aspect of the wider category of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadomasochism) however some people are into all of the things listed under the term BDSM, and some only in some of them. D/s is generally distinguished from SM because it is more about power exchange. It is more mental than physical.
If somebody identifies as being into D/s, or having a D/s relationship, then they probably include power play in their sex life, and perhaps in other aspects of their relationship as well. For me, such dynamic and lifestyle means relationships in which the two people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic, and that this dynamic extends outside the time that the people spend in one another’s presence. It is a mindset and it is the way people choose to live.
Five great “principles” for a submissive to consider within a BDSM relationship and mostly a D/s with a Dom:
1) Integrity – Do what you say you will do.
2) Honest and Open Communication – Be open, honest and clear about yourself to your Dominant partner. Don’t be afraid to express what you have in your mind and work together with your Dom to build a relationship around expectations. This works both-ways
3) Trust – A sub should know for sure that only their best interests are being considered by their Dominant partner. A Dom may push a sub’s limits and comfort levels but never put them in harm’s way. Every Dom should remember that part of leading the way is having a sincere interest in your sub’s wellbeing.
4) Mutual Respect – None of the above is possible without a mutual respect of one another.
5) Great Desire to Be of Service – For a sub pleasing their Dom should be satisfaction enough for them.
A Submissive has a need to serve, to be of use and in many cases to be used in certain ways she desires. This natural need a true Dom will “use” in order to help his submissive to feel the joy and pleasure of serving him however all Doms need to keep in mind one thing. This natural tendency of submissives has been exploited many times by predators, dishonored and ignorant men. It is a tendency that in Vanilla world appears as a weakness that others can take advantage intentionally or unintentionally. This is also a big issue for submissives who are taking their first steps into the lifestyle but it also holds a great risk as in their psychology finding out that a Dom instead of embracing and cherishing their tendency may result in closing down the door of servitude for good. Being hurt by you natural tendency by those who should have had the understanding to receive it as a gift not as a weakness can be a lethal wound.
This natural tendency of submission is the major part of the dynamic within a healthy D/s relationship and a true Dom will best serve his sub only by allowing her to submit, to serve, and to meet his needs as he knows this isn’t simply to please himself, but because it brings pleasure and joy to the submissive. For a Dom to get to that level it requires to understand and respect the hidden truth of what it means to be a Dom. The Great Truth of being a Dom as I would call it is that the Dom is a servant to the submissives needs in a hidden way.
Both for the Dom and the sub this journey into the lifestyle is primarily an inner journey that requires to deal with your Ego as also all that you learned as “norms” by the society. We know very well that society’s biggest problem is the approach “anything does not meet the term normal should not be appealing to anyone”. This statement and approach in the vanilla world is made only to convince people to repress their desire but is also hiding a great risk of social disorders as only those who learn to control their desires can live in peace. To control your desires you need to know them, accept them, acknowledge them and not repress them.
Domination and submission (D/s) is as described at the start of the article the “mental” side of BDSM since physical contact is not a necessity. This is why we have plenty of examples of partners engaging into long distance “relationships” (some of them had a happy ending by bringing the two partners together) that practice and explore their needs by the use of mobiles, emails etc. as technology in our days can help to that direction. However D/s can also be very physical to the point that is hard to distinguish it from S/M as sadomasochism also includes the mindset of D/s. How a D/s relationship will be, what the submissive or the Dom will seek to give/receive from their partners is only up to the individual not part of hard written rule. What very few seem to know is that D/s relationships also exist out of the BDSM community such as in the business world for example.
There are out there a few myths related to the psychology of the submissive most of them coming by those who try to make D/s look as evil and demonic. They tend to say that Doms are cruel and predators, that submissives are victims of child abuse who seek to relieve the experience, that submissives are nymphomaniacs with little self esteem and many more similar statements. Truth be told predators often find the community a good place to prey however this is not what True Doms are.
I also see a lot of times Doms preoccupied in how they will punish their subs and I also receive emails of people asking me how should they punish their submissive. Truth is that a submissive many times will challenge authority just in an effort to be punished as this is part of the mindset they have and is also a turn on for many. However a submissive also needs to be rewarded in an equal way and by saying reward I am not talking of anything specific. What will be identified as a reward within a relationship it is up to the individuals and how they build their relationship. A reward can be a nice dinner, a nice gift, a day out, a kiss, a hug but also a spanking or a whipping.
I will close with the words that you can see in the featured image of this article. A submissive needs to feel wanted and as a Dom you always need to show this to her. Wanted as a word again my include plenty of different things which the partners will identify within the relationship. All those things hidden under the word wanted will make the Dom feel needed because he will bring them to his sub.