I was thinking to start this post by stating I don’t know the reason I write this however I know very well why I do this. First because I have no-one to share the thoughts I will share with you. No it isn’t because I have no close friends or people who can understand me but because you who have read at least one of my articles you will understand better the point I want to make. Second because no matter how silly it is sometimes the universe (with so many unknown to us powers) might help me after this and make things spin a bit. 

The story is quite simple and starts by me joining a new company as the Operations Manager about a year ago. Plenty of different people and amongst them a blond girl that she is easy on the eye but quite honestly never crossed my mind what will follow. After a couple of months we start building an in the work space friendship, a playful and quite innocent I would say interaction that at some point I start knowing her better as a person and who she really is. That was it, at some point mid-October I had my crash. A crash that I never had before and practically looking back I never thought it would come summer and still feel the same (maybe more) and wait for that single opportunity I need.

There are practical problems. I am her direct manager and actually I was the one promoting her to the position she now holds. With all my honesty just because I thought she was the only who had it and I am quite proud that every day she proves my call was great. However, in any case, anyone may think she got her place for all the wrong reasons and I don’t want this to happen. She needs to understand it’s her skills and nothing else that got her where she is now. No there won’t be any problem from her side in case she turns me down my only concern is how other people will see her.

I am quite sure she knows I like her but I am afraid she doesn’t understand how I like her. Most likely, as she is 24 (and hot) and I am 40 my guess is she believes I simply want an adventure.A fuck.  I am also certain that one or two of her friends who realised I like her would tell her the same if they ever talked about it. Now this makes it harder as I am so much in love, I love her so very much and I see so much of perfection in her that until she gives me an opportunity to open up I simply can’t make the first step.

If I make the first step without her being ready to see it happen I risk to ruin everything. And yes, in her I see all I ever wanted and what really attracts me to her is her character and personality. The person I see she really is. In my age I had plenty of experiences with normal, hot or hotter women to know the importance is in who the person is. And fuck my fucking life she is that one I wanted but I quite honestly feel the age gap is the biggest obstacle here. Have I hint her? Yes, more than once and truth is in all this time there were a few glimpses of actual response but nothing major to make me confident to ask her out.

We also have a very different cultural background but I don’t mind it as I am ready for first time in my life to compromise in a few things in order to make a relationship work with her. Now what I don’t know is if she would be ready to do something like this. I am so convinced that she is exactly what I need to be happy that even if she is not willing to do this I won’t mind it as at the end of the day I am the foreigner in a strange land and therefore I need to adapt a bit to things that are different to my ways. We are also quite different in some things but what the fuck, everyone says the opposites attract each other. Come on now, I can’t be the exception that proves a rule is correct.

She is the first person I ever felt so strong for and the same time she is the only one I say I am willing to wait (and I will). Funny enough I tried to test my feelings for her about a month ago and dated another girl a couple of times who is also a very nice person and attractive but you know what? The chemistry wasn’t there. That chemistry I feel to be present anytime I am with Sophie (that’s her name). Everything on her is as someone saw what I have in my head as the ideal woman and made her out of it. That’s exactly how I see her and I fucking hate that I can’t really tell her all this.

I also tried to remove her from the throne she has taken in my head and heart by trying to convince my self that anything I see as the bad side of hers is exactly why she is not good enough for me nor the one I was looking for. The result was quite impressive as it backfired making me love her more, want her more and believe even more she is exactly what I need. You see, you love people for who they are and that includes a need to love their bad side as well. Actually, if you can’t see their bad side then you don’t know with who you really are and once you see it most likely you drop. So yes, I tried to expose me to her bad side and once I saw it I realised how much I need to be in a relationship with her.

What was the point I couldn’t share with my close friends? I am so much adamant that she can make me happy (as I can make her happy) that I am even prepared to drop the BDSM and every single kink of mine in case she is not compatible with this. Why? Simply put, she is such a great match to my ideal that she can become my main kink that will overpower any other desire. It’s the first time a non BDSM love can make me feel so fulfilled and complete. I feel this every day in the office (we work really close spending quite some time together), in every break we take together (talking about non-work related things) and every time as a team we go out for a drink (no I wouldn’t dare to make a move in front of the rest of the team for the reasons I explained before).

Sadly, deep down in my heart, I feel it will never happen but what the hell!!!! it worth living for a dream even if its fire will burn you. I will keep hunting this dream waiting for that single moment to get her in my arms. And her diamond eyes are the mirrors of the heart and soul I want to have beside me in my life.

I told her she is my:

2 thoughts on “Non BDSM Love of Mine

  1. Hello Pano. It has been a while since we spoke but I am writing now coz I see that you need a push.
    When I first wrote you everything was telling me not too and came up with all of this reasons not too. But I am very glad I did because even though it didn’t work out I learned a lot and I would like to think that we became friends. And as such I’m gonna talk to you as if I was there.
    You have always been a go getter. That’s who you are. So what is going on. The fear of losing the thing you want most in life? Well you can’t loose something that you don’t have. And that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it. You have come up with so many excuse and built up so many walls around yourself so that you won’t be the one to get hurt. Because there has never been something that you have wanted more and it’s scary. But I have never known you to be a coward. So do not start now. A little bit of courage goes a long way. Are you really willing to let the best thing that’s ever happened to you go because you were scared of the outcome? First of you’ll regret it forever. But that’s besides the point. The point is that that nothing has ever stopped you from going after what you want and you are not going to start with your happiness.
    You are going to give me excuses that will make sense but we both know that it’s bullshit. I know you better than that. And you have too much respect for me to lie.
    Tell her how you feel. Do not assume that just because she is nice and you interact together she knows how you feel. You are a closed off person. For all you know she just think you like and respect her for her work. As a co-worker.
    And your main excuse is invalid because if she is good than her work will show itself. Let her show people what she is made of. If she is not able to handle that kind of situation and to be able to give herself the respect that is due at work than you might have made a mistake giving her that position. Which I doubt it. You are very particular about everything and most of all work. She must have really impressed you with her work and ethic. That is probably one of the reasons you fell in love with her. So do not underestimate her. She is a grown woman. Able to make her own choices. So do not make them for her. It is not the first and it will not be the last office romance that will happen. Plus, isn’t the purpose of life happiness? Isn’t she yours? Even if she rejects you that has never stopped you before. I doubt very much it will stop you now.
    Do not think for her. I know you understand my point. We have always been able to understand each other. And I’ll leave it at that.
    I do expect an email from you. And make it a long one. I have a feeling we’ll be discussing about this.
    Denisa

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