BDSM is a taboo in our society all over the world. No matter what the cultural background is and which side of the planet you come from you will agree on the previous statement. My feeling is mostly because BDSM is categorised as deviant, pervert and sick. Quite frankly I find a lot more pervert a sick to have sex on the same way every single time with the same woman to the point that I find no longer interest in getting sexual but still claim I have a happy healthy life. What most people miss in my own opinion is that sex mostly is mental the then physical and as the years go what turns on each and everyone are the thoughts related to a person.

So let’s get back to the definition of deviant. Let us agree on something simple, normal is not the same for every person and every society. Normality is something defined by many variables therefore why do we need to define sexuality by the word normal? There is no reason at all as sexuality is a way of expression coming directly by nature. Having said that the “definition of deviance is behavior that violates a norm” by (Clinard & Meier, 2008) does not really stands. They need to clarify “norm” in different ages, societies, cultures before anything else and this is impossible. Hence I would say that what each of us understand as deviant is relative and impossible to unify it just under one word.

Those of us in the lifestyle clearly understand that in BDSM relationships all participants are legal adults who consent to guidelines and limits, which most of the times are talked through by the partners, everyone understands that the activities are sexual and are of a BDSM nature. There is no deviant activity in this world that includes consent and common understanding, quite the opposite I would say. However there will be those to argue that BDSM “legitimise” abusive behaviors getting them into an acceptable context.

Now this last argument comes only from those who never researched the lifestyle but only tagged it in a way based on their beliefs. BDSM is actually completely against abuse and in our community we feel there is no place for individuals with abusive tendencies. At the end of the day an abusive person can’t be a Dom as they can’t control their own urges and don’t respect others desires. In BDSM we care and respect each other and even if your kink is not my kink; your kink is ok. This is an old saying in the fetish community that indicates that we don’t accept every single one. Your kink has to be OK.

What causes abuse is not people having consensual sex. What causes abuse is people who don’t respect boundaries and there is very small tolerance (none in fact) for those who break this rule. It is actually a huge subject of discussion how to identify predators who don’t really care for a BDSM relationships but only satisfy sick and twisted fantasies. Therefore it is hard to believe that BDSM encourages abusive behaviors. Going into a BDSM scene, both participants have communicated their desires and know what they hope to gain from the experience.

I have explained before why I find normal a D/s relationship. There is no such thing as equal parts in any relationship in the vanilla world (at the end the male or the female leads) and by nature some of us are born to lead and others to follow. Now how BDSM sexuality is not so unnatural as many believe I can explain it only by the use of science as biologically speaking, BDSM makes total  sense. The brain releases dopamine when experiencing pleasure and the same chemical is released when experiencing pain. We all know of the famous scene in the story of O when looking on two similar facial expression it is revealed that one comes from pleasure and the other from pain. Pain can, and does, equal pleasure for some. According to the article, The Curious Connection between Pain and Pleasure, love, sex, pain and violence all stimulate the release of similar chemicals and hormones in the human body. Endorphins that are released in painful experiences are often perceived as pleasurable. Stress and pain can also stimulate the serotonin and melatonin production in the brain, which transforms painful experiences into pleasure. The release of epinephrine and norepinephrine in pain can also cause a pleasurable ‘rush’. Normal human biological response actually supports the complex and mysterious link between pain and pleasure.

I would like to finish my post in something I feel is wrong and we should look very seriously as a community. Following the steps of the gay community to achieve acceptance is not the way. There are plenty of differences and provoking the society for the BDSM community I believe that it won’t work. What we really need is educate people in our lifestyle, get them to a point that even if they can’t understand how we express love and care through a whipping, at least they will see what is meaning to us. Help them see our point of view and mostly help them understand that we are same as them…….we do fall in love, we do care, we do have feelings and we are humans same as they are because actually I have the feeling the vanilla world understand us like beasts or primitives.

 

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