BDSM_definition

Recently I have a mail exchange with a submissive who is researching regarding the BDSM lifestyle to make sure this is what she needs in her life. We are talking about a few things but in her latest mail chose to end with one question. What I believe BDSM is. How to I define the lifestyle. That question made me understand that I might need to add one more article about it. I know I gave quite a few explanations up to now but many times we need to repeat our thoughts in order to help others see them clearly enough. What follows is only my personal opinion and approach to the lifestyle. I am sure it will be a lot different from what many others would give as a definition of the lifestyle but as you know this blog is “my world of BDSM” and will never be what others demand or expect to be.

So lets us take a moment and take the place of an observer of the world. Let say we came to this world today what would we notice? A planet were everything is in order except one. A natural environment following completely some kind of order and rules. Every living organization is subject to that rules. All but the humans. The human race is still developing and learning and there is a lot of road to cover before it can actually claim the title of civilized. From the dark ages to the industrial revolution and then the technological revolution a lot of changes took place. Changes that affected not only how we live but also how we think, how we communicate and what we consider to be acceptable within the society and what is not.

One of the things affected by all the above was the romantic-sexual relationships. From the perception of the woman as a lower creature we jumped to the feminism and all the silly ideas that followed. Don’t get me wrong, women are not lower than men at all. Whoever believes that is at the least a savage. But you can’t consider silly ideas or acts that went against the bra as a symbol. Bloody hell, a bra is not a symbol, is a practical piece of clothe and nothing more. For those who don’t know “In the 1960’s the phrase “Bra Burning” was well known.  People say that very few women actually burned their bras, but many supported those actions.  Women burned their bras because they felt that it proved a statement or made a stand for Women’s Rights.  Another reason they burned their bras was because it was a symbol that showed independence of men at the time.  The women that didn’t burn their bras often walked around wearing no bra at all.  This was also meant to show independence of men.  Many women thought that it meant freedom to be natural instead of pushed up.  At the Miss America Protest there were trashcans that women called freedom trashcans.  Women threw things such as bras, girdles, curlers, tweezers, high heels, etc. into them to be burned.”   In my eyes that is quite silly and immature as an act.

For sure that movement at the bottom end achieved to provide women with the same rights men have and help the “monkeys” called human at that time understand that both males and females are the same. I call them monkeys and maybe that is an insult to the cute creature and I should say instead that only dumb animals would find difficult to understand different physiology within the same species is no reason for inequality. The same way I feel for racists and so on.

I would agree that still even in the western world many fail to see females as equals to males. I would suggest them study a bit o biology to discover how in fact, female physiology is supreme to the male and how wrong they are. On the other hand, all those little “gadgets” like high heels are as good as the woman that is using them. On their own have no meaning and yes, I feel disgust of women wearing high heels and don’t know how to walk with them. My dear, if you want to use high heels, learn how to walk properly with them otherwise don’t use them at all. You make a favor to your self and your image as a person. After all, you only look nice if you are comfortable with what you wear.

So where is the problem? The problem is simple, and soon I will get to what I see as BDSM in our days. From chasing their rights they went on the other side to loose their role as women. They lost the meaning of be a woman and why it is THAT IMPORTANT for the society to have women. There is also one more thing that happen. The balance within a relationship. There is nothing in nature without a balance. Nothing without a leader and a follower. The wrong anticipation of women only be the “followers” within a relationship can’t stand anymore. Many time men should give the leading position to women or continuously change their roles within the relationship. Does it sound familiar to you? I am sure it does.

Modern BDSM is an answer to that unbalance. Modern as it is quite different from its origins of Marquis De Sade. We can’t speak any more about BDSM only about Modern BDSM. A lifestyle that evolved from its sadistic, twisted and savage origins to an answer to the way we want to build our relationships.

So modern BDSM is a lifestyle that places some rules of certain behavior between two adults in ways that both feel happy and satisfied to submit. A lifestyle that accepts that within a relationship are certain roles and responsibilities to be fulfilled by both parts. Then there is the sexual aspect of the relationship. Here comes the traditional definition of Bondage and discipline, Domination and submission, Sadism and masochism. How that sexuality will be expressed varies from relationship to relationship. It may include one of the part (B&D,D&S,S&M) or all of them. And again how many variations of all these will be included varies from relationship to relationship.

Sadly enough many see BDSM as a sexual play and nothing more. They see what the porn industry provides them. So for me, modern BDSM is the way to set up certain rules of conduct within a relationship, with clear responsibilities for both and a mutual understanding in the ways sexuality is expressed. And don’t tell me that in vanilla world there is no problem in the ways sexuality is expressed because either you are naive or a lier or extremely lucky.

6 thoughts on “What is BDSM

  1. As a woman coming of age in the mid-70’s, it was drilled into me that I should be independent, think for and look after myself. It was also the time when if a woman wanted to have sex with a man, she could approach him and not wait for him to make the first move.

    However, when it came to love, that became a burden for me. I did not want to be the boss or leader in my marriage. I thought sharing would work but it did not. Husband #1 would not share and basically ignored the marriage itself. Husband #2 told the lead role but destructively. He was abusive in every way. Husband #3 was aware that I wanted him to be the leader in our relationship and promised that he would, but he lied. It fell to me and my dis-satisfaction with everything related to that led to the demise of that marriage. Now, three strikes and I’m out.

    In the last few years, I’ve become aware of BDSM and believe that had I known about these types of relationships before choosing a husband, I might have had a better chance at a successful marriage. I might have realized that I did not HAVE to be independent, that it was okay to let my husband/partner take the lead. I wouldn’t want a Master/slave relationship but I would like to experience a D/s relationship, or perhaps a milder version if that’s even possible. I’ve only dabbled with this sexually a few times and that is certainly not enough to determine if I would take to such a relationship or not. And I’m not sure I’ll ever get the chance. But I do agree that Women’s Lib did some damage to those who might be happy in a more traditional role in marriage.

    1. Hello Amelia.

      Indeed it did a lot of damage. It took things from the one side to the other instead of bringing the needed balance within relationships. From many points of view, I do feel that BDSM is actually a new version of the traditional marriage. In that new version it is not necessary the man to be the leader. It may also be a woman or it may be a switch situation. Redefines what independent means within a relationship. What I like mostly is that everything are mutually agreed and not taken for granted.

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