Online BDSM

After some time without updates I thought to come back to you writing an article about a subject a dear friend suggested. On-line BDSM and relationships. I find it interesting but the same moment a very difficult one. Indeed a very controversial subject as the opinions seems to be different. A difference that might be originating by the facts or a generation difference with strong arguments by both sides. It is also known as Long Distance Relationships (LDR), and many hope such a relationship might lead to a real-time (RT) relationship. I will try to approach it in a very objective way and examine the dynamics. At the end I will also have some safety ideas for those interested in trying it.

I will start with the downside as Cyber BDSM can be dangerous to the naive. More and more people are learning about the lifestyle and most of them they see it as a Master demands and a slave obeys. That is a concept commonly found mainly between the youngsters. Young submissive eager to find a “master” are ready to do anything to claim they are “good” slaves. Sexual predators are well aware of that and usually they try to exploit that misconception of the online BDSM. I believe same as in Cyber Sex, some people try to exploit and take advantage of the naive.  Specially for the young girls out there, do not accept anyone who says I am a Master and you have to obey so get naked to your cam.

Now why people are seeking Cyber Domination and what makes them feel it is something that may lead to a real life relationship. BDSM as a lifestyle is not really acceptable by most of our societies and in some places attracts a lot than just judgmental comments. Imagine you live (if you don’t) in a very conservative and small society (maybe a village in southern Europe?) where people are ready to strike on you if you do anything out of what commonly anticipated as acceptable. Even more when we are talking for a woman. Sadly enough we say we are civilized but still we have a long way before we really manage to deserve that title. Anyway, back to what I was saying, a person who have such conditions what can practically really do other than seek out to find a match through the internet?

You might be asking if that is right. I will say NO! You might be thinking we should be strong to face the society and demand them to accept for what we are. Yes but again we are not all equally strong and the circumstances are not equally the same for all therefore that is not an option for many if not the most of us.

Another argument is that Online is a good way for new starters to learn if they really are into it or not keeping them safe from real life complications. To a certain level I believe that is true though Cyber BDSM is not even close to real life. For sure some similarities exist and one who is new into it might be able to get a small idea, a sample of the real thing but again, how can you trust the online instructor is the proper one for that purpose? You can’t.

Most people who tried online, usually they build their dynamics using some techniques like blogs (ask from their sub to blog in a way that helps them develop), keep an online diary (taken from the practice of real life diaries as explained in a previous article here), certain daily tasks, keep up with emails and going up to the point of essays (Good Lord, we are not into the university people) and a lot more. I had my fare share of online and I found no real pleasure into it. I followed most of the techniques you will find if you try google.

Yes I can ask my sub to crawl for the next 2 hours, ask her get dressed in a particular way, ask ask ask ask ask more and more but I will always miss the satisfaction of looking at her doing it. Cams? You really believe a cam feels the same as reality does? Not for me. Well yes when I was into one such relationship cam was something important but be aware, the web cam element came on the long run not from day one. Do not trust those who ask you to get on cam or take pictures from the first moment.

For me it didn’t really work to be honest though for some time seemed like it did. I do not argue that for some might be working well and if it makes them happy I am glad for them. Me on the other hand, missing the feeling of a real touch made me sad.

Another thing that many times happen with online BDSM is an RP approach. I definitely feel that is wrong. We can always RP AD&D but not a real lifestyle. It is not a game. My fantasy is strong and my fantasies are stronger but no, I can not treat them as games. If I want a game I can take a real RP game and become a Mage or whatever I want. BDSM Master is a reality I will not allowed be transferred and treated as game.

Yes we can start an online relationship but only if the circumstances allow to have a hope one day to bring it into real life. We can talk about the lifestyle, what we like and what we don’t. Try to understand if we are “compatible” (I so much hate that word, makes me feel like if I am software or a PC) and up to what level. We can also start building on it by using diaries or some tasks. We can take our time to start knowing each other better until the day we feel comfortable enough to meet in real. It is also reasonable to ask to see how each other look. But there is a limit and we should not exceed it. Mostly we should not waste each others time with silly games and lies.

Some safety ideas as I promised

  • Do not give your address to anyone. They have no reason to ask it or care about it.
  • If at some point decide to use phone for texting (ONLY) then just use a second phone (a top up card and a cheap device are easily found for all of us)
  • Do not surrender any password or other personal sensitive information such as social security, bank account etc
  • Do not trust those who do not show respect to your current real life circumstances. If they can’t online they won’t in real. Actually I personally see it as an indication of an abusive personality
  • Understand if they are honest with you but keep in mind some times everything is not what it seems to be.
  • If they seem to lack dedication do not try to push them do it. Just leave
  • A very sensitive subjects is photo exchange or web cams. I can understand that after some point such activities might step into the scene. Do not rush into it and take your time. Even when you decide to step into the land of exposing your body to the one on the other side, do it slowly and keep in mind and sign of pressure might not be the best sign.
  • If you decide to bring everything into reality go slow. Meet in public place, try some “traditional” dating first, see if all are exactly as described online. Do not rush into anything and take your time. Better take longer to have a beautiful experience/relationship than going faster into troubles.
  • Specifically for the submissives: Yes you have to submit, you have to follow order, you have to obey but before you feel safe you don’t. On the other hand any Dom should be in position to understand your fears since you are the one to find your self bound or helpless. They need to have the capacity to understand that surrendering your self to them needs time and takes time to build trust. If they can not understand that then they are not real into it. Do not exaggerate though, you don’t need 6 months of dating to decide. Be reasonable in other words.

7 thoughts on “Online BDSM. Cyber Domination and submission. Can it happen? Is it real? Is it Innocent at all?

    1. Please feel free to share any thoughts you like to even if you don’t state my name. I don’mind it. After all, thoughts are free to share and I’m not expecting anything in return. Sou exo stilei kai mail,tsekare mipos exi skasei sta spam

  1. I have a loving & submissive relationship with my wife, I try to make it as much 24/7 as I can, but we are often parted for long periods of time.
    For us, it’s not role play, I always try to fulfil a fantasy, turn it into reality.
    Just recently, we’ve started online, or cyber, submission as a means of extending our lifestyle when we are parted.
    I think it’s going to work well.
    It brings out some new emotions/nuances.
    Some things are much harder to afflict upon yourself than if your partner does it to you.
    It is far more mentally submissive.
    I am not a “painslut”, I endure the parking N to show my submission.
    Enjoy!

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