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Recently I had the pleasure to receive an email from one of the readers who trusted me enough to share her personal story. I would like publicly to thank her for showing such trust but also giving me the opportunity to speak about the topic of abusive behaviors. Many times some people, lifestylers and vanilla’s, understand BDSM as a way of abuse. Even more sadly some women are getting into the lifestyle seeking abusive men. My dears, the lifestyle is not about be abusive or abuse brutally your partner. The lifestyle of BDSM is an alternative way to show love and even if there a mutual agreement to include some abusive scenes, at the bottom end they are not. Why? You can not abuse one who takes pleasure from what receives. AGAIN I WILL SAY, no BDSM is not a place to seek your abusive dream, that can be found in the vanilla world as well. BDSM is a world of SSC, care and responsibility. I will not say more, I will only give you the description and definition of what is abusive or how to identify it from one who was a victim of such situations.

“I think from this story it is already clear that there is a huge difference between abuse and BDSM. For those wanting more specific guidelines trust your instincts first and foremost. If an activity makes you feel bad about yourself then it is probably not a good thing to be doing and if pretty much everything someone does to you makes you feel really bad about yourself inside and out then chances are they are not doing it right or just plain abusing you. Also if you never had a choice or you did but now cannot make something stop when you want it to then you are being abused. Lastly if someone is doing things to you that you like but you don’t want them in particular to do them to you, then you are being abused by that person no matter how embarrassed you are about enjoying the activity types itself.

threats

No one activity by description alone is necessarily abusive or not so it is difficult if not impossible to describe an abusive persons actions. It is better to focus on their intent to hurt, humiliate, or use you without love and respect for you combined with your own lack of wanting those actions done to you by them or anyone. If they need to use fear to control you then they are not your lover they are your abuser. And lastly see how they treat other people who are less powerful around them. If they treat them like crap then maybe they are not treating you well either so take another look at things.

These are from my personal experiences and so I cannot cover every possible situation but I hope these can help those on both sides of the whip to understand their relationships better.”

I will add something to make it clear enough. A person with abusive behavior, one who is not in position to control his own self, you will never be in position to control him. If you really respect your self and life, please stay away. And something is abusive not only in a physical way but also in a mental and intellectual way.

2 thoughts on “What is abuse and abusive? What is out of the BDSM lifestyle?

  1. Thank you for this post, as all of us need a reminder from time to time of the difference between abuse and BDSM power play. You are exactly correct when you speak of the “intent” one has when using, humiliating and inflicting pain upon another. When the receiver of these actions is a willing participant, receives pleasure from these things, and consents…this is not abuse, but instead can be a wonderful way to escape the confines of ones physical body and enter the purification of the light. Of course, when someone in the lifestyle uses these methods with consent from his or her partner, they should always do so with love and respect. This allows both parties to enjoy the experience immensely and can lead to enlightenment for all. But sometimes, what is normally acceptable between the same partners, may not feel right to one or the other….moods change, outside influences can confuse us, physical conditions may come into play…this is where communication is crucial. When what felt good last week doesn’t feel good this week, speak up! I don’t believe any dominant would want their submissive to keep quiet and tolerate an action when he or she doesn’t think it feels good in some way. No true dominant would want to be accused of abuse. If something feels wrong, tell your partner. If your partner isn’t receptive to your feelings, perhaps you are with an abuser…not a dominant.

    I was in an abusive situation with a vanilla ex husband many years ago. He made me feel stupid, worthless, and weak. He tried to literally control me to the point I no longer recognized my own soul. I knew I was being abused but felt powerless to stop it. Removing myself from that situation took great strength and courage, however I knew if I did not get out, I would lose myself completely. The relationship I share now with my Master is totally different from the situation with my ex. I love how Master uses me, abuses me, and takes care of me. He does so with love and respect for my natural submission to Him. He lifts me up, He supports me, He guides me to always seek the light. We balance each other’s desires, interests, and dreams. THIS is definitely not abuse…it is joy! A joy I wish all could experience so there would be no confusion about BDSM and abuse.

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