societybdsm

The sociological approach of the lifestyle is one more subject I feel it is very important to discuss as we need to see deeper into the lifestyle. To do that I will have to speak without taboos and bravely about beliefs that we might need to open once again in our society and mainly in the western societies. I would ask you, before jump to any assumptions, read the post to the last word in order to get a complete idea of what I am talking about. In the same way, should any of my words make you feel you need to block them out by raising any defenses, please do try to think them deeply before you do so. I do not want or intend to make you accept my point of view, it is rather an effort to make you think on your own and why not start to question your own beliefs. So what is BDSM? Chains? Whips? Clamps? Pain? Maybe something else a lot deeper that people can not anticipate mislead by the porn industry and the rumors heard about us who live in it?

If you want me to put it in very simple words, BDSM is nothing more than a lifestyle that accepts within a relationship there is, by nature, a game of power exchange. I say by nature because I believe power exchange is natures game. From a vanilla point of view, power exchange within a relationship is not a good thing and we all need to be equals. We grow up learning about equality but we are never taught the meaning of this word, the IDEA of equality that is very different from anything we know. We learn to measure everything with figures many times (if not most) judging everything by the quantity not the quality. Money, weight, size, IQ, even love we place it over a quantity measure asking “tell me how MUCH you love me” instead of maybe “how well you love me”. In our century we lost the meaning of the words, the hidden meaning and the core IDEA hidden behind a word therefore we use words just because we are used to operate over a certain pattern rather than genuine reasoning and knowledge.

Equality my dear friends does not mean that you need to make the same amount of housework to have a balanced relationship. I hear some times couples discussing their daily life and how they split in half obligations and responsibilities. Oh how romantic and nice! Now they can sleep happy that they are fair to each other and equals! Yes I am sarcastic because I honestly believe that they are either fools or they are just pretenders who try to build a public image both for public use and them as well. That is their way of course, the way that measures equality on quantity.

Imagine now two individuals who walk down the same road and need to share a weight of 50kg. The one is a strong man who can afford the 40kg and the other one is capable to lift the 25 kg. According to the previous description they should share 25 kg each therefore they will split the responsibility equally. That idea makes me laugh because they are missing the most important point. The 25kg for the strong man are half what he can afford when for his companion that will be something to drive her to the limits. What is equal in my point of view is to share the weight by 30-20 as that will ensure for both to be responsible for a bit less than what could take them to the limits.  What does this have to do with BDSM? It is just a way to make crystal clear how I understand the concept of “equals” and why I measure it on a quality basis rather than a quantity.

What a common feminist organization will raise as an argument is that BDSM aims to inequality. Well, they do that when the submissive is a woman because once we discuss a relationship in which the male is the submissive and the female the Domina, well, lets say they simply smile wishing they were in her place. Hypocrites. What a common vanilla individual will bring as an image if you tell her/him you are a BDSM Master? A savage  creature who most probably is driven by a God syndrome who loves to degrade his partner using sadistic means. Little they know and I will say again, HYPOCRITES!!

Why do I say Hypocrites? I do not believe within any relationship in this life there are equal parts. It is natures call that some will lead and some will follow. Some will have the last word in decision-making and those who will have just an advisory place. Vanilla relationships are based in a commonly accepted lie by both parts. They are equals because they discuss everything. But honestly, tell me, how many times have you observed the one side trying to become dominant even if that means doming from the bottom? How many times have you heard that the head of the family is the man but the head turns to the direction the neck (the woman) desires? Where is the equality in this? Am I missing something or do they just lie to their own self in order to have a satisfaction based on illusion? The same happen if the woman is the head, do not take me wrong, in vanilla relationships we have the same as in BDSM but they only use a different definition, nothing else is different.

From this point I will talk only for Master(male)/sub(female). Feminism played a huge role in the past to help the community understand that a woman should be accepted in the same way a man is in the society and that was really important. Many decades ago a woman could have been abused and nothing happen as she was seen as a lower creature and that was so wrong. Here comes again the quality over the quantity. Abuse one does not matter how much will it be as the slightest sign of abuse is UNACCEPTABLE and should not be tolerated at all. Feminism brought a revolution in our society but some times became extreme in an unreasonable and unnecessary way.  In many cases begun to measure everything based on the quantity missing the quality, even ruining the quality in the human relationships. Why? At some point they tried to alter the rules of the game, the rules of the nature resulting the newer generations to be lost on which is their part in the society? What are they doing and why are they doing it. Who they are and why they are like this.

I hear many times complaining that in our days there are no real men but they tend to forget it is them who made men change to a way they do not like. Same I hear men complaining on the way women behave forgetting it is them who accepted that on the first place afraid they will be called sexists. Oh, how easily we place a tag to someone without even taking some time to understand him/her a bit deeper. It is a fact that human relationships in our days are in a complete mess and only few really know what they are doing. But no matter what we do or what we want (imagine) we are only humans and that makes us slaves to nature’s rules that eventually will find the way to get back to us. Here now comes the BDSM, a lifestyle based on power exchange exactly as nature commands.

Isolating BDSM from the porn industry, we are talking about a way of life where one part leads and the other follows. That does not mean the leader may never seek the advice of his follower, the Master from his submissive. Realistically speaking, there will come a time He, the Master, will need an advice or more and for that exact reasons he needs a strong submissive by his side. Maybe at this point, I need to distinguish BDSM originating from Marquis De Sade stories, the BDSM porn and the modern real life BDSM which is something completely different. Modern BDSM is more like an old-fashioned relationship enriched with new ideas and spicy sexual life. For me people are turning to BDSM more because the feel the need of Domination or submission and not just because they want to be kinky or fond of sadomasochism. As I explained before, you may be kinky without be a BDSM lifestyler.

Maybe, BDSM is how nature is getting back to us and marks a way to go back to what so called “old-fashioned” relationship. Relationships though, are not a matter of fashion, not a subject of a trend, but a matter of human need for companionship and that need will always have to follow the rules nature dictates. Maybe BDSM is exactly what nature Dictates.

I will stop here though I have a lot more to say about the society and the BDSM. I feel this is already a huge and long post to read but I hope you managed to get through it. As always, I would love to see and discuss your thoughts over the subject. One last notice about equality. In BDSM we are equals because we share with each other what we are able to share in quality not in quantity. I know a Master who is cooking for his submissive just because he is an amazing chef and totally loves to cook but the same time, his submissive will do everything for him the day he comes back home tired from. On the other hand, I know a friendly vanilla couple that the girl who is all day at home will not even think to cook for her boyfriend (who works like a dog) and she has to go dancing letting him do all the cooking. For them, they have a greatly balanced and equal relationship. Do you? I Don’t.

5 thoughts on “BDSM – A Sociological Analysis from a personal perspective

  1. My Sir and I each bring to our relationship the best of who we are. He works his ass off for me and our children. I wake at 4:00 am everyday when he does so I can make his breakfast, layout all his supplements, prepare his lunch and snacks for the day, and make sure he gets out the door peacefully, prepared, and on time.

    My vanilla friends think I’m nuts. I had one friend call him lazy! Lazy? Really? This man is at work at 5:30 am and has clients booked nearly everyday solidly until 8:00 pm and sometimes later. He trains pro-athletes and very high-end people who are very demanding. I will do anything for him because he works hard to provide for all of us and I crave the opportunity to serve him. On his days off I still get up and prepare everything for him. If something happens that I can’t do it (e.g. sickness) I feel incomplete and out of alignment. I also have his dinner for him every night. I may only get a couple of texts from him during the day if he’s especially booked so I want to make sure he comes in the door feeling cared for and loved. I wait for him in our bedroom, kneeling as I’m instructed because it’s how we have to connect after a long day. I am thankful for his return to us every evening.

    There is a bible verse that says to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). In an agricultural society you would never yoke a donkey with an ox. The donkey wouldn’t be able to keep up and an ox could hurt a donkey. However, no one ever looks at the verse the opposite way. It doesn’t say you cannot be “unequally yoked” with believers. The context is referring to light vs darkness. So you could say then that two “believer” lights are equal. Let’s take the two celestial lights mentioned in the bible…the sun and the moon. The understanding in the ancient biblical world was that the the sun is masculine and the moon is feminine (those words in Hebrew are masculine and feminine accordingly). The sun gives his light to the moon so she can shine. The sun is full everyday from sunrise to sun set; there is never a half or quarter sun. The moon has no light except for the light reflected by the sun. She is mysterious and waxes and wanes in a continuous monthly cycle. There isn’t an equality between these two lights, yet they exist for each other and both give direction to the earth.

    If you have a lit candle and use it to light another candle, does the newly lit candle diminish the original? No.

    1. Hello again and thank you for your comment and contribution to my blog. I am not sure I fully understand what is the point you are trying to make (or not sure how clear it is). I am happy to see that a religious person is in the lifestyle same as I do. One of the chapters in my book will be some thoughts about religion and the lifestyle as there seems to be a misunderstanding for some reason.
      I am a Christian same as you do but I would not like to use any part from the bible since there are some slight (or not that slight) differences between different versions according to different dogmas (Catholics,Orthodox,Protestant etc etc).Actually how sad it is that people for power and other reasons managed to divide the preaching of Love from our Jesus. Anyway that is a huge and very different discussion.

      I will use something different though, following up your example with the candle. Plato’s allegory with the cave. According to his example a group of people is inside a cave looking to the direction of darkness. Suddenly one of them for some reason looks behind and see the exit and the light towards that direction. According to plato it is his obligation to speak out loud calling the others to turn their heads. He must do that until at least one other will see the exit as well. From the moment a new one will see the exit he is calling for, then his job is done and he may move out and is up to the new one to find another to who will do the same. There is a second allegory with a cave with a different meaning that you may find widely spread over the internet. This one is a different one.

      I can say one thing. Little they know those who call your husband a lazy one. In fact little we all know about the personal lives of others and is not proper to judge them based on our own criteria because most probably we will be wrong. Even if a person is working four hours a day and then sleeping we can not know for sure if that is an organic symptom that he is not able to cope with, if it is a lazy person or if the workload during that four hours is that much that equals to 12 hours of full time job.

      I am really annoyed by people and how easy they seem to be to place a tag to those near them. And yes here I will use the example of Jesus who said “let him who is without sin, cast the first stone” therefore I would advise them initially to place a tag on their self, then their beloved one, then on each and every one who is part of their family and then they may tag anyone else at all. But they are not. In my country (that might reveal my origin as well to those who come from the same place of Europe) we say that a camel, never looks on her own hump but they only laugh with the hump of other camels.

      I hope that my comment was close to what you were trying to say my dear.

      Master P.

    2. I must apologize for not being clear. Lack of sleep was the culprit. When you wrote about sharing the weight it got me thinking about that bible verse of being unequally yoked. As for the sun and moon example, I should have stated that is was an example of male/female relationships taken from Kabbalah and that understanding is found in many civilizations throughout the ancient world. Men and women are different and it’s a good thing, but a hard pill to swallow for many. Past injustices still don’t change the fact that we are not the same.

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