abuse

This is a message came from a good friend of the blog and on fetlife 🙂 Thank you John. 

I have been looking for information to help me better understand what is going on in a subs mind and brain when she subs. I admit, a part of it is that I need further proof for myself that “domination” is not “violation.” I thought I had fully accepted this already, intellectually it is obvious, but recently I watched a friend play and it brought up a lot of pain for me. How can I explain it? my friends (herself included) think i was just jealous because we had been talking about playing later, she and I. However, I actually had little problems with the scene itself. It was extremely intense and i think that may have been a bit much for me, put me into a delicate state certainly. However, it was afterword that I what triggered in me this feeling of “violation.” Its very hard to explain clearly, but mostly it seemed like her dom had extremely poor boundaries and both dommed her outside of the scene and anyone else in contact with her to maintain his “control.” Frankly he seemed far more concerned with expressing and getting off on his “dominance” than he did about genuinely caring for her or honoring and bringing out the best in her as an individual. If anything it was more about him subsuming her beneath himself and overwhelming, controlling, and limiting her self than in grooming and helping it grow. What was most scary for me in this situation was seeing how she loved it. It was exactly what she was looking for in that time. Perhaps I’m wrong, but their d/s seemed more like a mutual drug than an expression of love or anything positive really. This was a case of something completely consensual, but my guts were shouting “this is Wrong!” Granted, I have a history of sexual abuse so, I am extremely sensitive and can easily overreact to this sort of situation.

I guess what I’m asking for is affirmation that my Domination does not need to be that, nor like that. That, although I’m sure similar activity happens it is not a staple of what “bdsm” means. That its not my duty as a responsible dom to interfere and nor is it to condone because at the time I did feel like I had to pretend that everything was “normal” and “fine.” And I know you can’t really say because you weren’t there, but it would be nice to hear that I’m not just freaking out and jealous due to my emotional baggage, that this does happen and it is an unfortunate part of the scene and what it is and how it happens and why and what can I do?

Wow that came out to be a lot. Hopefully it doesn’t take you too much time to figure this out, that is how you want to answer so much stuff.

thank you for answering my questions.

johncs (on FL)

One thought on “The thin line between sexual abuse and BDSM scene following the rule of SSC

  1. Hello John,

    I have chosen the title to be the “The thin line between sexual abuse and BDSM scene following the rule of SSC” as I felt that was what you exactly experienced and gave you all these thoughts. As you mention, I was not there and I can not speak for certain so anything I say are only pure assumptions coming out from your description and my imagination. I take your word that what was happening it was exactly what she wanted therefore we do not have a case of abuse but a scene that both were walking on the thin line between abuse and SSC. I trust they should have set a safe word in case things got out of control.

    You say “Perhaps I’m wrong, but their d/s seemed more like a mutual drug than an expression of love or anything positive really”. Have they managed to get into subspace and Domspace? I ask because it sounds like that. In any case, the love dictated to give to your lover what he/she expects you to provide. As long as it is within the SSC you can actually call it an act of love. A vanilla woman might ask for perfumes and flowers as you kiss her when a sub might ask for extreme pain. In both cases the male provides his lover what she expects. Beyond that, the way they act after the scene is also important, if there was affection, care etc. Your description gives me the impression of a couple into sadomasochism. Indeed, in S/M is really hard to clearly see the boundaries between love and abuse but keep in mind it is how they enjoy each other and their life. We can not really understand them as we are not them.

    You say “I guess what I’m asking for is affirmation that my Domination does not need to be that, nor like that.” No you don’t have to be like that. There is no such thing as “have to”. You will be the way you want to be and the only thing you should care is to find a match to your desires. A submissive who is into the same activities as you are and build together a relationship that will make happy both of you. That is the only thing that really matters. Remember BDSM is B/D or D/s or S/M. It may be all of these or only one of these. It is our choice the path we take.

    You say “That it’s not my duty as a responsible dom to interfere and nor is it to condone” In my opinion if as a Dom feel something is wrong and you are sure about it you have to let others know about it. But again, you have to be 100% sure before you do so. If what they do is what they have agree to experience, if the sub is in the position she wish to be and if no safe word was used and ignored by the Dom, I do not see the reason be upset. You can always walk out if they experience the lifestyle in a way that is not matching your criteria. I will remind you we do not judge others by what they do or who they are, it is their choice and as long as we do not spot clearly a case of abuse we have no place to get between them.

    Again as I said, I assume they acted withing mutually agreed limits even if it appeared those limits to be highly pushed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s