cowgirl

For long time now I was thinking different and various subjects regarding training and BDS. Everything is important but for some reason most of them gave me the feeling should not be the first to begin with. Today it came up to my mind something that I am sure most of us came across and had to deal with (for the same reason feel free to contribute with your experience by comments or e-mails as it is something very important). So many of us, including my self, keep our lifestyle private and hidden. We socialize with the vanilla world without allowing most of them knowing the truth about us (in my case only two persons really know about me and BDSM) and sooner or late we might find our self in a relationship with a vanilla girl. Then? What we do? Bloody hell, that is a mess or not? 

It is a fact it may be a big mess. A lot bigger if feelings will grow before we start involving the lifestyle. So how do we start? The first step in my way of thinking is…… discussion. Please, don’t make it in the way “would you like to be bound and whipped…..baby?”. If you do it that way, in some cases you might be happily surprised but in most I believe you will not like the result. Start with simple things, common in the way they sound but in a way to understand the way your partner is thinking. Keep in mind that some people are in fact submissive by nature yet not able to realise it or afraid to do so. What I do, and it might sound silly, I love to make simple requests and increase slowly (or fast) the daily amount of them. In my experience some people love to serve and some hate it. As you increase the amount of requests that starts to become more obvious. Just a notice. The requests I am talking about might be sexual or non sexual. Actually I would suggest to be both.

The next step after I figure out that I have to do with one who has a submissive side is to start discussing some deeper topics. How deep and how fast you will follow this process it can not be said here. It has to do with the individual and how open they are in such topics. The same reason is why I can not give advice for the way to take it further from that point. I do not feel there is a “magic” secret that can make it work out. On the other hand I can tell you to keep them away from the porn or the Internet as they will get scared most likely. I would suggest also to try some kinky sexual games in the sense of fun (for them) as a training for you.

What will you actually achieve in that way? After some time if you put all this together you will see that your gf-sub is actually acting more and more as a submissive. She is getting used to the idea of serving but still she has not realised what she is doing. Meanwhile you will have the chance to dig and search deeper in their inner thoughts and desires. Only one thing will be left then. To put all these together and give them to her as a mirror to what she is actually doing. When and how will you do that only your reason and instinct can say. It happen to take me only a month to do it but also happen to take me more than 3 months before I feel it is the proper time to take her into deeper waters.

That last is very important so I will say a few more words about it. We tend to forget how we started long time ago. We tend to forget that once, we only had one or two things in our mind that we cared about and slowly, some of us very very slowly, developed in time and on our own. It took time to all of us to understand what exactly is that we seek, that we like and we want in our life. Some still developing or as I believe, we never stop to develop. So what you really have to do, is not to push her into your world, your thoughts and desires. What you need to do is to help her develop her own. Remember that most people grew up with the belief that such desires are wrong, not normal, sick or any other possible way to name them. The first “breaking” point is when they will be ready to understand there is nothing wrong to have such desires, such urges. From that point things are getting easy. You only have to be there to discuss and lead them the way to develop their self in the lifestyle.

It is a process that might be lengthy yet is very rewarding. What ever you do keep in mind a few things

– Everyone have fetishes and kinks. The question is if they are in position to admit it not to you but firstly to their own
– What we do and the reason we love this lifestyle is because it serves deeper needs
– We are not in BDSM to abuse people
– We are in BDSM because we take pleasure in it same as we give pleasure with it
– Top or bottom, we all are humans and need fun, joy, love, care, pleasure happiness
– You may be BDSM without using clamps and whips. For some, is just to serve and be served. The “illusion” of being dominated or submitting utterly to your lover – that’s the turn on. You can have it without a single whip, metal cuff or other “tools”.
– Your limits as a Dom are defined by your submissive. Go step by step and do not try to take her to the deeper waters from the start.

Live Long and Prosper
Master P

PS. I would love to see your suggestions and comments. Don’t be shy, your experience may help all of us

PS2. The woman of the picture was known as Cowgirl or Liz Tyler and for long time they used to call her as the Queen of Pain. It’s not her best picture but she is a real beauty of BDSM porn. No more into porn industry as far as I know she is happily married and a mother. (that for anyone curious of who she is)

29 thoughts on “How to introduce your wife or girlfriend in the lifestyle of BDSM without scaring her away

  1. I have a question because I’m confused about myself, I hate to be told what to do, wouldn’t stand it in everyday life but in sex it really turns me on, best sex ever. What that makes me?

    1. BDSM lifestyle is not doing what you are told. It is making you willing to do things for your partner. Dom or sub it makes no difference. His or her presence just motivates you to do things for them. That’s the daily life. How you are building this life and how you aply rules or even how often you use rules depends on the individuals who are part of this relationship.

      So who you are and what makes you what you are depends of what you crave to find. Do you dream of finding that one who will make the desire to submit?

      On the other hand you might be just vanila who enjoys a good kinky sex. Nothing bad to be just a kinkster. After all, in my own opinion, most people who claim to be into BDSM are just kinkster seeking out a spicy sexual life and nothing more. So many identify BDSM just from the sexual act not the daily life.

  2. Hi Master, i am interested in BDSM lifestyle sub/slave recently got married 3 days back my wife is vanilla What would the best way to introduce ones wife to the idea? I’m a little afraid to ask. I don’t want to just drop literature in her lap or scare her and wait, but I’ve no idea what to say. Help possible ?

    1. Joseph I don’t get your question. Do you mean have fun and interviews with other women beyond your wife? If that is the case sorry mate nothing is for fun and I only know how to be dedicated and focused on my girl (who will be my wife hopefully in a couple of years) and no other female will ever bother me.

  3. Hello, Master P.

    What would the best way to introduce ones husband to the idea? I’m a little afraid to ask. I don’t want to just drop literature in his lap and wait, but I’ve no idea what to say. Help?

    1. Hi and thank you for your comment. I would say that you know your husband better than me therefore think which is the best way to tell him anything that is new in his life. Beyond that you know a lot better how comfortable he might be with such news therefore be slow.

    2. Thank you for your response…
      I know that each person is different, and will have different reactions to… certain sorts of surprising information.. but humour me, if you will. If, for example, you were under the impression that your wife was a good little church girl, aaand had never had a Master before.. which would be the best way for her to tell you? How would you react, if you were in a vanilla relationship and suddenly found out your partner was into the dirty side of things? I realize I should have been upfront from the begining, but… well, I missed that wagon ride. He’s not shy, and he’s always had a domminating vibe to him, so I don’t think he would be too upset, but.. how the hell do you start that conversation..? “Heeeyyy baby, ever played Master?”

    3. Hi Tori. Well, that is a hard question to answer to be honest. If I was in a vanilla relationship and my gf revealed something like that I would have a party 😉 What I can suggest is to break the link between sex and church. It has nothing to do our sexuality with God at least in my way of thinking. I am deeply religious but still…..a kinkster 😉 You have to work you way around his thoughts, if he has Dom elements start pointing them and make him understand how much you enjoy that but maybe you should do it in an indirect way. Indirect is the way until you see he is ready to get the truth. If you like, contact me with an email from my contact page with more info. I might be able to give you some better answers. …… Start the conversation by gifting him a whip :p In fact I did something similar long time ago with a vanilla girl and a whip I had on my wall……

  4. Hi me and my husband have been married 10 years and we have done some reading on the bdsm life and we r both very interested in the life and a new spice in our marriage over the last six months I have found myself just wanting to find a way to please him our life in the bed room has been great here lately but I still ont fill like it is pleasing him in the way I am filling and have never felt this in our hole marriage I always do the cleaning and cooking and making his drinks but its still not what I think we need it took me a little while to tell him I was interested in trying the life style but when I came to tell him he just told me u won’t want that then the other day I came home and he had done some reading on it and said the might be into this so that night let’s just say I got into sole trouble for not listening and got punished but for some reason I really liked the filling of it pleasing him so we have been doing some seens in our every day life and its going well but we are both very new to this and as him as my dom husband and me as his sub wife I think we might need a in site to help along the way I would love to get some feed back to help us in our new found life

    1. Hello and thank you for your mail and sharing all this with me and my readers. My first advice it would be to stay away from anything that speaks of professional training. They are just clever enough trying to get money from people like you who are new and with a genuine interest in the lifestyle.the second o e it would be for some time avoid the porn related industry. They are focusing only on the sexual brutal side and what they do might be dangerous for people making their first steps. What should you do is to listen to your nature. Its an amazing thing that you are finding the lifestyle both together for first time. It is like two people who are having sex for first time. The only they really need to do is listen to their nature. So do you. It is though very important to discuss what you like, what you think you might like and want experiment with. Then do some research over the topic and at that point dont be scared to spend time even days to make sure you found the proper readings. Also dont be scared to describe to each other what is it that you wish to try no matter how strange or extreme it sounds. If you plan to try bondage and whips or spankers your husband needs to learn more about it in terms of after care as also what might be dangerous. For examplemy passion is breasts bondage. There is a certain limit in the ways and the duration I may apply it as it might cause problems. Follow this path and I am sure at the end of the road you will develop a common bdsm ground that will be your own personal way to experience the lifestyle. I strongly believe that’s the only way for bdsm. There is nothing else more than what two people develop together. Feel to stay in touch and ask as much as you want publicly or by email via my contact page.

      Master P

  5. Materp35,

    I found this to shine some light on what I am going through. Let me give you the back story.

    I am a young 40y/o military vet that has mild PTSD. I do not like LARGE crowds or groups. I have panic attacks and my body and brain shut down. What has caused this is two tours to combat, where my life was on the line everyday and I was in control of what and how I was going to die. Or at lest in my mind thats what I thought.

    When I came back home and started having the panic attacks and started seeing a counselor, I found that I could not open up to the counselor and still can’t. I started to look at was to can some kind of control. Let me take a step back and let you know, that I was a Combat Medic as well. So you can see that I not only thought I had control over me but others. Not a true God complex, but just that other look to me to get them how to their families any why I could. Now comes the hard part that changed everything. I did not bring everyone home. I was only living in my mind thinking that I could and I was going to NO MATTER WHAT. Not bringing everyone home, killed me on the in side. I could not control anything, let alone myself.

    This is how I found out that I was D/s. For me, I found that it is not the pain that is the turn on or all the other domineering stuff. What I have found that for me is that it the CONTROL of safety and love. I don’t want a pet, I have a dog and its not the same, LOL. I need to control and be controlled, by a sub that I can focus on when I start feeling i’m losing control (panic attacks). A sub that needs me to love her and protect her, protect her like a security blanket. At the same time in order for her to feel and be safe she must do as I say. At the same time though, she needs to be the one that can see things coming. When I start to lose control, she need to know its coming before I do. That way, she can nuzzle up to her safety blanket and show me that I AM still in control and that she loves me being in control, because she feels safe when she becomes the center of my thoughts and my being.

    So thank you for your words of wisdom and if you can think of any other ways to help me find my place I am willing to listen.

    1. Hello Grant

      Thank you for sharing this part of your life and I appreciate that. I want to be honest with you and say I can hardly think of anything more to suggest than what you already found within the lifestyle. Even more, you have medical knowledge of the human body and maybe of the human brain, something that actually can give you an advandage in finding out what you really need.

      What we find in the lifestyle and why we love it is different for all and each of us and your example is one that makes it clear. As you say, the CONTROL is the turn on for you, the feeling of protecting your sub and that she will be there for you before anything else.

  6. hi, i’m married 45f (18 yrs) and found my kinky/submissive side almost a year ago. My situation is reversed. The challenge for me is to slowly introduce hubby carefully to the lifestyle, so i won’t need to be so sneaky.

    Through FetLife.com i have met many local people in the lifestyle, and am submissive to a local couple. My Master has met hubby in a vanilla setting, and evaluated him. Master confirms that hubby is not naturally Dom, so with baby steps… Master is guiding me to slowly teach hubby how to fulfill some of my needs (spanking, paddle and belt). Hubby is taking to it well. FYI i don’t wish for hubby to be my Master. i’m not trying to change him, just open his mind to possibilities.

    Any advice?

    1. Hello and thank you for your comment. I feel many are like you out there or almost like you. Soon there will be a post from a sub who has same experience but is lucky to have a husband and discuss openly about her kinks.
      My advice is a bit different by what you have heard until now. Firstly I have to say I totally disagree with what the Master you mention does. Firstly I would not take as a sub one who is married. I would feel like pushing her to cheat on her husband (I do not claim that you do so it is only my way of thinking and I do not judge you for your choice. It is an argument to him). A Master demand dedication and surrender but how a sub (slave in the case of a Master) when she is married something that demands to be dedicated to her marriage and husband? Secondly I feel there might be a God syndrome though I could be wrong. For sure I would never use the term evaluate and even more if I did, I would not be in position to make it just from one meeting. To decide if one has a Dom side or not need to know them a lot better than what we see from the surface of their personality. We need to dig deep inside them. Specially vanilla people tend to hide urges like that very deep, so deep they even find had to recognise them. So how on earth a Master decides that from one meeting? I find it a bit suspicious.

      I take it you want the submission as a bedroom play more than a daily lifestyle. Is it so? If you could provide me more information I would feel more comfortable to provide some advice. Nevertheless I would suggest to lead the way on your own. Listen to your own experience of who you are dealing with (your husband) and act accordingly and not by anyone who tells you to do things. You know better the Man and you can evaluate a lot better the limits you have to push its time. You can not teach one how to be a Dom or a sub. It is my strong belief we all are either one but it is not all of us who want to be into the lifestyle. If he is not a Dom then he is a sub. If he has a Dom side you have to make him take it out. Explain how that can benefit your relationship, the sexual aspect of it as well. Explain it is not just to inflict pain or anything he might knows. Get him to the mind side of the “game”. How mentally that affects you and how that can affect him. What place he will take in your thoughts. As a sub I take it you seek to admire the Dom side of your husband. Give that to him. If anything from my posts regarding true Mastery can help, let him read about it. Keep him away from the porn and warn him if he does his own research a lot is twisted out there and even more the porn he will find is not what you have in mind as a concept.
      For me, the best way is discussion and then comes to start taking initiatives that he will have to step into the scene you create.

      Also remember, a lot of vanilla individuals out there have deeper desires, they are only scared to admit them even to their self. It can be many reasons why they do so, social, religious or anything you can imagine. Make sure you strip him from such fears. Do not take anything for granted, what you know it might not be exactly the way you think you know it. Once you are sure the door to his deepest desires is open, help him open it wide open to you. After that, just give him the time together with you to grow in the way you wish him to be and the way he can actually be. Do not push or rush things, only give time. To hold a spanker and make an ass red can do it even a monkey if it is trained properly. But to know when to get the spanker and the reasoning behind using it is a bit deeper. I can teach you how to hold a whip but then you will just repeat a movement without knowing what stands behind that reasoning.
      I can not say more. I hope I helped you a bit. Please feel free to share more if you like.

      Master P

  7. Im very interested in learning bout the lifestyle i have unusual kinks i like but do i have to have a master to fulfill my desires

    1. Hello Angie and thak you for you comment. I am really curious to know your kinks and what makes you feel they are so “unusual”. If you feel comfortable to do so on a comment or by a mail through my contact page I would appreciate it. If not I can undertstand it is a private matter.

      To answer your question I will tell you that every kinkster/fetishist does not have to be a lifestyler therefore has no reason to have a Master but every lifestyler will have at least one kink for sure. As an example I will give you a foot fetishist. A vanilla foot lover might love the feeling of female feet but that does not make him a sub/slave, it is only the feeling or anything related to feet that turns him on when the same time a male sub/slave might have foot worship fetish.

      I hope I helped you clear your thoughts about it.

    2. Im so delighted you responded back i have good news i have found my true calling i have a master to train me my kinks are to be able to please my mate anyway i can it turns me on when i get to please him it also turns me on when i get spanked hard it also turns me on when i get blindfolded and told what to do it turns me on to get whipped it turns me on when i get called dirty names and im from a small town in iowa i have had these desires ever since i was 25 now im 32 i dnt kno if u have ever read the book “The Story of O” thats the novel that let me know what kind of desires i possessed in me and now i found my calling and i am so pleased

    3. I always reply to those who spend some time of their life to talk to my blog or mail me. It is the least I can do to honor them for participating and so my appreciation for following/reading what I write.
      I am happy for you and wish you to be exactly what you need. For sure, your “kinks” are not that unusual. I believe you would be surprised to know how many share desires with you.

      The story of O, the first one not the second, was a great film. In specific the scene where it shows how similar can be the facial expressions of pain and pleasure.

    4. Where would i find that movie i would love to watch it am i weird if i like watching other slaves get told what to do by their masters

    5. Correction. The scene I described I believe it is on the second film and is mainly the only one that worth anything. You can find it out there. Even on Youtube.

  8. Very nice article. I wish I could find a male or female master to serve. I’m not sure where to look either. My last Master pasted on, and I miss him dearly. Now I only have my memories that still get me hard!
    If anyone is interested, I live in CT!

    1. Thank you Paul.

      In our memories people always are alive. It is our way to deal with our mortal nature. It is a huge phylosophical discussion that I do not really want to touch it in this blog. In any case thank you for the comment and hope you to find what you seek in your life.

  9. As an uncollared slave, I realize that the Master I ultimately seek is someone that is well rounded – equal parts vanilla and kink. I want them to be experienced but often I find that seeking them out in kink environments is often not the foot I want to lead off with

    1. Olivia how was your experience with Master Stefanos? 😀 Hope you had fun. To answer your comment, I believe it is the balance that you seek, the one that will help you cope with both your vanilla and BDSM life. I am quite sure there have to be plenty of Doms who are into the same quest. Time will bring you the best, I am sure.

  10. Loved the insight. As a natural submissive I really wish I had had someone show me what I am before I even really knew what “this” was. However I can say that perhaps I would have resisted at first. The armor I had to build just to function in society was a pretty heavy plate. This won’t of course be the case for everyone, but just a thought for those wonderful enough to try and help someone realize an authentic piece of who they are. Patience and diligence are worth their weight in gold in some cases. Wishing the best for those undertaking this hopefully rewarding path.

    1. I believe we all had and still have such a heavy plate. Our shiny armor for our public presentation. Yes, the most difficult part is to build the trust in order for your partner to feel comfortable enough to remove that plate.
      Patience is a virtue both for Doms and subs.

      Thank you for your contribution on the subject
      Master P

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